im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
