I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
