I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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