Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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