Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
you never un-have a 4some
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
