fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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