So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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