Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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