I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize