So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
