I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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