Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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