Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
