sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
