how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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