If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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