1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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