He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it glows. i had to have it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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