My first STD was from a foam party
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
