haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
