I'm eating all of the evidence.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
