Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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