I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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