If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
