Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
