My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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