Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do herpes really smell.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
