I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
