I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
