just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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