It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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