Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I deserve this hangover.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
