He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
