i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize