I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
