He uses pillows to masturbate.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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