my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize