Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
