dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
