last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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