there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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