When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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