Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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