$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize