I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
