Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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