how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
