Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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