You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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