My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
