When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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