just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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