if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
