I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Drunk is a universal language darling
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
