Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
